The One Thing I Want My Kids To Know
My Sweet Three,
I love you each with a ferocity that scares me. I believe I would cease to exist if one of you did not. And I know the woman I am - would be never more - and god would have to send someone else to stand in her place if my three were ever less than now, just as we are.
You are still my kittens and fixing the hurt and holding your pain is done wrapped in my arms with whispers of dreams and stars. But I’m already thinking about how to prepare you for the days when the world does not see all of your perfection and the hurt is greater than you are willing to share and your pain is screamed in silence.
Today we learned of our friend’s friend. And Babies - all of our friend’s friends are our friends too. She was only 12. And life got too scary and big for all her aloneness and so she decided to end her life before it had really begun. This seems out of the realm of possibility for our family, but I know that it did for her family too.
My mama mind begins to future trip worrying about the what if, or how can I control, and desperately wanting to infuse you with the knowing that those who loved her thought she knew.
You are loved beyond measure, you are never alone and we can work through anything - together - if you will just be brave enough to talk about your pain.
But I can tell you these things. But I can tell you these things. I will tell you these things. And still I worry it isn't enough.
This is scary work, My Three. This work of being a mama - I’m doing it with all I got. And I know you are watching.
Yet, I can’t help but think that when you look into my eyes you are looking not for my love - because this knowing is still built into the marrow of your soul- but for a reflection of your OKness. Of your worth. And for the reminder of both when your tender heart and the world wavers on the greatness that is unfolding.
My Darlings, I will not always get this right. Learning to radiate my light so I can reflect back yours is a delicate dance we are all learning together. But for all the love I can muster, times three, I want you to know.
The greatest lesson is not for you to know you are loved by me- this will never falter. My one hope is for you to experience the grit and the power that comes from knowing of your own love. Because this is the kind of love that will save your life.
And this life, My Babies. Your one wild and precious life...
It is one worth living with everything you’ve got.
The Summer Day
Who made the world? Who made the swan, and the black bear? Who made the grasshopper? This grasshopper, I mean- the one who has flung herself out of the grass, the one who is eating sugar out of my hand, who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down- who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes. Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face. Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away. I don't know exactly what a prayer is. I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass, how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields, which is what I have been doing all day. Tell me, what else should I have done? Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?